


Hollowness Festers in a Grieving Mind

by RandomAssCow



Series: Dreamnotfound Angst [4]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Death, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Grieving, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, Late Night Writing, M/M, No Fluff, Oneshot, sapnap is best boi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29895324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandomAssCow/pseuds/RandomAssCow
Summary: I can't be with him. He's gone. Gone like a distant memory. Gone like the beginning of a manhunt.Gone like he's dead.~George's whole world shattered after sapnap told him the news of Dream's death.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: Dreamnotfound Angst [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141994
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Hollowness Festers in a Grieving Mind

**Author's Note:**

> I am so immensely proud of this fic it's not even funny guys.  
> Also, this is big sad so be prepared.

"George what the hell!" 

The words drip with a familiar tone, laced with humor and kindness. My head starts to ring but my brain tells me to keep my composure. 

“Come here, George " 

The familiar voice makes my body lurch and I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes.

“George just tell me you love me"

I clench my jaw trying to regain self-control. Memories flash through my head rapidly. Block forests, bad illustrations, seeing green for the first time. A feeling of warmth bubbles in my chest. My heart flutters at the thought of blond hair and freckles. It doesn't take long before the memories and warmth are replaced by cold, empty sadness. The kind that has a way of rooting itself into every piece of your life. Bowls of cereal, coding, games, even smiling. Nothing ever feels worthwhile.

I try not to let my sorrow overtake me, but it’s too hard. I remember him telling me about a word. I'm pretty sure he came across it on TikTok or something.  _ Hiraeth _ , a complicated emotion most people can’t experience. The emotion of longing and yearning for a home someone could never turn to. Such a beautiful word to describe such a horrible feeling.  _ He  _ was my home, my happiness, my reason to get out of bed every morning. Thinking of  _ him _ , shouldn't be full of dread and restlessness. Thinking of  _ him  _ shouldn't be in the past tense.

I'm shaken from my thoughts by the feeling of hot tears on my face. I'm drawn back from my mind to reality. On reflex, I jerk my head to the left to glance at my monitor. My eyes widen in shock at the realization that I am still streaming. Chat moves faster than I can read, full of concerned messages. I blink away the remainder of tears that threaten to spill out and try to fake a smile. 

“Hey chat I'm fine I promise, just tired and easily distracted. Anyway, I'm probably gonna end the stream and go back to sleep.”

Surprisingly my voice is steady and smooth, I've gotten pretty good at lying. My mouse hesitates over the “End Stream” button, my eyes still lingering at the rapid-moving chat. With a single click, the chat disappears. I sit for what feels like an eternity, trying to get my thinking back to normal. My thoughts have run away from me. I use my feet to push my chair back and I reach to turn my PC off. The machine whirs for a moment before fading to silence. Getting up has never felt more difficult.

"I love you, George”

His voice is clear and vibrant in my head. Almost as if he's still here, almost as if I can hear him. Why is it that his voice haunts me? I crawl into bed and under the covers, putting my headphones in quickly. I grab my phone from my pocket and the screen lights up. Immediately I see messages. 

Quackity:[ 39 more messages

DUDE!!! 

Sapnap 2 more messages 

R U OK?

Spotify seems like the only thing I could turn to at the moment. , The feeling of hopelessness diming as I hit shuffle on my liked songs. Dread still creeping in the background. 

PLAY 

A beat swiftly finds its way into my headphones. I take no notice of the song at first only letting the catchy beat flow into my ears, soothing my scattered brain. Once the words start my eyes shoot open. 

_ People change like the tides... _

I yank my headphones out faster than I thought possible. My phone is left discarded on my bed as I bring my body to stand on the carpet. Like lighting, a shock goes through my body as I quickly find the light switch and let the darkness swallow me. 

“Deep breathes George" 

Tears come before I can stop them, pouring from my eyes. It had to be that song?  _ His _ song? A song I find myself listening to in my darkest moments, times when I need to cry. I find myself wanting to drown in the memories of him. I feel obligated to let the realization that he’s not coming back gnaw at me. Even when I don’t want to feel this heart-wrenching pain, when I try to distract myself, everything I do leads back to him. Youtube, such a sly bastard, recommending the old videos or compilations that make my heart yearn. Spotify watches my tears from afar, purposely playing the songs that remind me of him. Twitter, a community that fuels my defiance with nullified support. TikTok grins with a grueling intent, the song “hold on” plays in the background as my slovenly face lights the screen. I quickly scroll, tears dripping onto the thousands of pixels until I see that word... _ Hiraeth _ . I stare at the screen a little bit longer while my mind goes blank. I take my headphones off and shut down the phone. I flop onto my bed while I push that word to the back of my brain. 

Nothing I do will ever feel free from him, not that I want it to. He was my whole world, my entire life, and now he’s gone. There are days when I accept the desperation. I'll sit in bed rewatching old manhunts or challenges, just listening to him. I'll watch him play. Sometimes I wear his hoodie to remind me of his scent. 

It always feels like I'm walking through a damp heavy fog, unable to see anything two feet in front of me, every waking second of my life is spent feeling empty without him while my head is still in the same cloudy haze. The word comes back to the front of my thoughts,  _ Hiraeth _ . Such a deep meaning and a feeling that I know all too well. He is the only thing I think about, every second, every day is consumed with memories of him I’ll never be free from.

Empty promises

Unfinished plans 

Laughter 

Kind words

Late-night calls 

Comfort 

Happiness

Dates 

Recordings 

Oh, how I’d kill to hear those beloved words again. 

“this video we coded it, so that...” 

I want to hear his voice, have a conversation with him, outside of my head. I had so many things I didn't say. and now I'll never get to.

* * *

It's been 4 months, 16 days, and 32 minutes since I got the call 

“Hey sap what’s up" 

"George ... "

"Sap?”

“I don't know how to tell you this..."

“Are you crying?"

“It’s Dream, George”

"What about him?” 

“He's gone, George "

"what do you mean?"

“He went for a drive ..." 

His words faded after that, replaced by a piercing ring. My brain felt like it was shattering. The day my whole world came tumbling down around me. The boy I loved, the boy I lived for suddenly slipping through my fingers. I would sit for hours watching his discord waiting for him to call or start typing. I didn't want to believe it, I couldn't believe it. 

I still dream of him, I dream that he and I play like we used to. We chase each other around in modded worlds, we laugh and talk for hours on end, just enjoying each other's company. Then I wake up to the bereft feeling that has taken over my life.

Sometimes I will find myself logging on to the SMP. People built a grave for him there. It's pretty simple, considering it is Minecraft, but people leave kind messages or flowers. I wish the SMP wasn’t discontinued after his death. Then maybe we could still follow a storyline, he told me about a few he wanted to suggest but was too scared to.

I realize that he sent me a package with a key. He told me that it was a key to his house, he said I would need it when I moved in, but I never got the chance. I never got the chance to see his face in person or give him a hug. I bet he would have laughed at me for being short, he’d probably put his arm on my head. I should go to Florida, I should get away. Away from this cesspool of this endless, abhorrent feeling. This room is where I’d spend hours on call with him. Where’d we do everything together, computer screen or not, this place feels too connected to him. Maybe Florida would clear my mind. Maybe it will make me feel worse. At this point, I don't think I could feel worse. Even if I stood in his bedroom, staring at the sheets of a bed he never made, inhaling the scent that was infecting the room. I couldn't miss him any more than I do now.

I realize that I am back in my bed with headphones on. Words seep into my ears accompanied by a gentle tune. 

Home let me come home 

"Home is wherever I'm with you" 

I sing the words as I struggle to understand why Spotify is doing this. Every song just has to remind me of him. It’s rather cruel really. I think the gods are punishing me. I can't be with him. He's gone. Gone like a distant memory. Gone like the beginning of a manhunt. 

_ Gone like he's dead.  _

“I love you” 

I should have said it! Was it that hard?! Was it that hard? I should have said it. Three words or four. It’s so simple yet I never found the courage. I love you, I love you, Dream. 

Dream. 

I love him.

I loved him.

You can’t love someone who’s gone.

Sleep doesn’t welcome the grieving and being awake is even worse. It seems that no matter how much sleep I get, you can’t rest a tired soul. Living is the worst punishment when you’ve lost someone. I long for safety and comfort, a feeling I can’t quite grasp. Dread fills more of the hole in my heart and my brain is shrouded in sorrow and disdain. I want to be free with him. I miss him more than words can express. There are only so many words to describe the onslaught of strife knowing he’s not here. I’ll never have a restful night or a fulfilling day as long as he’s not by my side. The worst part is knowing he’ll never be. Living with a mind that can only think one thing. A mind that can only get stuck in a never-ending loop of suffocating longing.

* * *

Before I know it I'm sitting through the longest plane ride of my life. A young boy to my left is staring at me. I forget that I'm famous and start checking my clothes to make sure I look ok. I do. Although I quickly find I’m wearing a hoodie. A hoodie that is bright green with a black smiley face in the center. I can picture Twitter.

TRENDING   
AWW GEORGE

Photos of popular streamer Georgenotfound are leaked, showing him on a plane to Orlando, Florida, sporting merch of deceased Youtuber Dream.

Nothing like wearing your dead “boyfriend’s” merch as you travel to his old house, which just so happens to be halfway across the globe. It's times like these I find myself having fake conversations with him. As I wait for the plane to land, I can almost picture him sitting beside me. His familiar voice comforting me while he holds my hand ever so gently, with little squeezes here and there. Whispering in my ear to ignore the stares of so many unfamiliar people. I sit in a daze, smiling to myself as if he's truly here. I’m still stuck in my daydream as I get off the plane. I am so lost imagining following behind him with our fingers interlocked, as he drags me along. Looking back toward me, I meet his gaze as I proceed to complain about the unfamiliar weather, but the look in his eye quickly shuts me up. As I step outside the bustling of the airport and constant honks of the cars snaps me back to reality and quickly I drop the soft smile that was upon my face. I slowly get into an uber and choke on my words as I try to tell the driver the unfamiliar address. As the lump in my throat gets bigger, I eventually just write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to him. I push my back up against the seat as I close my eyes and doze off. We come to a stop and I open my eyes to stare at the unfamiliar structure. The house is bigger than I pictured but stands alone and eerie. I slowly step out of the car and drag my feet towards the front door. I carefully slide the key into the slot and open it. Everything seemed so wrong as soon as I stepped into the house.  _ I shouldn’t be here.  _ I think to myself, the doubt and selfishness overwhelm me. It would have been filled with light and infected with a joyful aura if Dream was here, but without him, I notice the creeping shadows and the desolate feeling. After hearing a small pitter-patter of paws, I'm welcomed by a small cat.

“Bet you miss or dad huh?" My tone is as gentle and comforting as it can be.

Patches pushes against my feet and gazes up at me with her emerald green eyes. I feel the tears form once again. Patches was his daughter, he loved her so much. She never even got an explanation as to why her dad never came home. All the countless photos he sent me replay through my head. Them cuddling in bed, her laying on his feet as he stands in the kitchen, a covered crate on a vet day.

“George? Omg!" 

I look up to see Sapnap peering back at me. He looks pretty decent considering the situation. His hair is tamed and his face is shaven clean. I stay quiet, gazing back at the happy boy in front of me. I wish I could feel happy meeting him for the first time. Our meeting was supposed to be uplifting and joyous, instead, it's surrounded by an anemic atmosphere.

"Goerge you look awful," He says, rushing up to me and wrapping me in a comforting hug. I'm sure I do look pretty bad after crying for days and then impulsively getting on a plane. 

"I didn't know you were coming" 

"I didn't either" 

"Oh" 

He nods in understanding and takes a step back.

“where is... " 

“First door on the right" he cuts me off. 

“I haven't touched it.”

He knows me too well. Sometimes I forget that he’s my best friend. It’s easy to get wrapped up in my pandemonium and forget about the friend I have that lives across the ocean. I set my phone down and make my way across the wooden floor. I stop abruptly at the front of a door for a second before pushing it open. I wish it were not that difficult to go into my boyfriend’s room. A small part of me still thinks that when I open the door, he’ll be there. Instead, I am met with a grey couch in the corner that looks oddly familiar, a coffee table, and a desk that holds three monitors. The whole room has an obvious absence, it remains just as sardonic as the rest of the house. It looks as if it would be Dream’s room, only without him. The coffee table is littered with glasses and water bottles and his desk chair lays askew. I can picture him standing up and stretching before flopping down onto the couch with patches. The walls are lined with acoustic paneling. It's exactly what I thought it would be like. Although it would be better if he were here.

Patches comes in and jumps onto the couch, I quickly recognize it from the video where Dream had dressed her up as a turkey. I wish it was Dream here giving me a tour. He would be talking so much, telling me about every little detail and every story. It was so easy to listen to him go on and on about nothing in particular.

“I'll let you sleep in your room" The voice from the hallway startles me and causes me to jump. "My room?" I question. 

"Dream had a room set up for when you move in, and then well..." He trails off and starts fidgeting with his hoodie strings.

"I never did" He nods in agreement as he shows me to a room at the end of the hallway. 

The walls are painted in a cream color and the bedsheets are a vibrant blue. The desk that sits on the corner has plenty of space for my setup. Dream always knew exactly what to do to make me feel comfortable. In reality, all I ever need is him and his warm smile. I wish I had gotten to meet him. Words flash through my brain. 

_ How can you miss someone you've never met?  _

I can hear him sing them from an old discord call where we listened to music. His voice is angelic as it echoes through my head. I feel as if he's haunting me. Making me hear his voice in hopes of hurting me. It works. I know that he would never hurt me. That's the last thing he wanted. He did everything in his power to make me feel safe and loved.  _ He _ made me feel safe and loved. 

Sapnap and I have a quick lunch that consists of homemade sandwiches. We don't talk about anything really, we both just sit in our own decadence. Jet lag is a killer so I fall asleep shortly afterward. It’s oddly easy to fall asleep imagining Dream’s arms around me. I can feel the warmth radiating off of the image I have created in my head. 

I wake the next morning to the smell of pancakes and eggs. It's easy to think that it is Dream making breakfast for me. A moment of freedom in the morning before reality comes crumbling down. A moment when I can believe that he is around. A moment when I can believe that he'll pull me close and tell me that he loves me and that it was all a dream. I know that day will never come but that doesn't make it easier. 

Breakfast is good, despite Sapnap burning the pancakes. I expect nothing less from the boy so it’s easy to overlook. Afterward, he tells me to get in the car. I know where he's taking me long before we pull into the parking lot of a church. I take notice of the slick white appearance of it. It reminds me a little too much of a certain Minecraft church. I step out of the car cautiously and follow him along a gravel path. We walk in silence for a few minutes before he stops in front of a tree. The tree stands on top of a hill in the center of the cemetery. 

He tells me we got a good site because of all our money. I don't listen. I tune him out as I stare at the headstone.

It's a polished stone as you would expect but the shape is out of the ordinary. It's a very recognizable illustration of a blob. A simple body and a circular head outline a smiley face. The body is engraved. 

_ Clay block _

_ 1999 - 2021 _

_ Beloved son and brother  _

I stare for a second before bursting into laughter. It’s been so long since I've heard myself laugh. Sapnap seems shocked as well considering he freezes and a large smile grows on his lips.

“I thought you might like it" he chuckles. 

"Drista and I spent days trying to convince his mom to let us make it that shape." 

"I think he would have loved it," I respond. 

”I'll leave you alone" Sapnap makes his way back to the car. 

I sit in silence for a few minutes before growing the courage to speak.

"Sorry I didn't bring flowers” I mutter sitting down. I feel bad even though his grave is already littered with boutiques and vases. I can feel my chest tighten and my eyes burn.

“I did bring this though," I say reaching into my pocket to get my keys. 

"You seem like you'd like it"

I unhook the plastic keychain that dangled, alongside my keys. It's a movable figure consisting of green blocky shapes. A small white design contrasts the bright color. I lay it gently down next to the stone. 

"I love you Dream"

**Author's Note:**

> The angst is never-ending. As usual, feel free to leave me sad prompts. You could leave happy ones but in case you can't tell I don't really write happy things.  
> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day/night :)


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